It was September 2015 and my son Jonah Paul, was still brand new. I was walking down the sidewalk towards a friend’s house, pushing the stroller with one hand and grasping my I-phone in the other. With ear buds in my ears, I listened to Dr. David Jeremiah’s sermon series on Job. If you’re not familiar with the book of Job, it tells the story of a man who experienced utter devastation at the loss of all his possessions and children. It caused him to question why God allows bad things to happen. This topic of suffering was dear to my heart as I had just hit the one-year mark since Josiah’s death.
It was on this walk, as Dr. Jeremiah read from Job 42, that I heard the single greatest comfort anyone has offered me regarding Josiah’s death.
At the end of the book of Job, God restored all the material possessions Job lost by double. In verse 12, the accounts of his animals are listed as twice the original number he owned.
But when the number of his children are listed, the restored number is exactly the same as it was before. Ten children had not been doubled to twenty.
“And he also had seven sons and three daughters.” Job 42:13
But why?
Because people have souls.
While his flocks may have perished, his children did not. Their souls lived on. And when we as believers pass from earth to eternity, we live with God forever. The reason Job was restored the same number of children he had originally is because ten more is twice the children. He never truly lost the first ten.
This simple truth captured my heart and brought a deep peace to my soul.
Josiah was not lost to me. I know exactly where he resides until I see him again.
This truth speaks what bereaved parents long to hear:
That our child STILL matters
That our child’s soul LIVES on
That our child is IRREPLACEABLE
Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t declare this truth. Often times in the case of miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss, parents commonly hear well-meaning platitudes such as,
“At least you have two kids already.”
“You can still have another baby.”
“At least it happened early on, before you got too attached.”
And yet if we stopped to think about it, we would never offer a grieving spouse or a child who lost their parent the same comments. Can you imagine?
“At least you’ve had a mom already.”
“You can always get remarried.”
“At least you were young when you lost your dad.”
We don’t say these things because we knowthe relationships we share with our parents or a spouse could never be replaced. We recognize their unique significance to us. But for some reason, we often fail to see babies with the same dignity.
So why do we view babies differently?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself often because the honest truth is, I’veviewed babies differently. At one time I was guilty of thinking the earlier a loss, the easier to deal with. But the truth is, loss of life- is loss of life. Regardless of gestation, regardless of usefulness to society, regardless of stature.
One year ago I gave birth to my littlest son, Judah James. I was reluctant to share my pregnancy with him for a number of reasons but one small reason being I didn’t want to hear the “Oh good, you’re having another boy!” comment I had heard so many times with Jonah’s pregnancy. It was hurtful to me to think that others saw Jonah as a replacement.
It stung that Josiah wasn’t given the chance to become an irreplaceable person to others.
I was painfully aware I could go on to have many more sons and not one of them would be Josiah. I think the answer to why we often don’t view babies the same is because we don’t see or know them as unique, irreplaceable human beings.
And so, it was half way through my pregnancy with Judah, in the fall of 2017, that God spoke profoundly to this hurt I carried.
I was standing at a store counter. While the cashier rang up my purchases a display of birthstone jewelry caught my eye. The cashier noticed my gaze and asked, “What are your children’s birthstones?”
“I‘ve had a ruby, a diamond, a peridot and another peridot.”
“And what will this baby’s birthstone be?” She asked pointing to my belly.
“He’s due in February, so an Amethyst.”
At the mention of the word amethyst God nearly knocked me over with a sudden realization.
My newest son was going to be an amethyst. The birthstone of February. The month of my miscarriage.
I could feel him beaming over me as he spoke directly to my heart,
“Jennifer, I am restoring you double.”
I stood there stunned and overwhelmed by the lavish love of God.
You see, in 2014, I miscarried a baby boy(Gabriel) in the month of February. In August I gave birth to his twin (Josiah) only to lose him a month later. The following August I gave birth to a boy (Jonah) and now I was about to give birth to another boy (Judah) in February.
In the last four years, God has taken two sons and given two more. Jonah and Judah were never meant to replace the two boys I lost. They are simply, new gifts.
Friends, I am only just beginning to unpack the lessons God has been teaching me about himself.
One day I pray for the opportunity to share this story in full but for now let me tell you what I know to be true about God.
He is good AND he is just.
He promises us that he will restore what we have lost unjustly. (Luke 18:29-30) He also promises that we cannot imagine all the good he has planned for us in eternity. (1 Corin. 2:9) These two truths have anchored me in my faith the past four years. In the pain, in the questions, in the loneliness- he has been steadfast and firm. Don’t let the world confuse your view of God or blur his truths about life.
He loves us.
To him, we have always been irreplaceable.
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