Josiah,
Happy 7th Birthday!
Seven. I’m not sure how we’ve made it seven years but here we are.
This year feels significant. It was the first August 24th morning I woke without tears. In fact I smiled when I remembered my moments with you! This doesn’t mean today hasn’t had tears or the kind of pain that closes your throat tight. It just means God is restoring more and more of our time without you.
We still miss the heck out of you. I wish more than anything God would give me a quick peek of you right now. I’m anxious to see your smile, to see if your eyes turned brown, and hear the sound of your voice. The distance between us is torture.
If you were here, I’d know so much about you by the age of seven. You’d be smack dab in the middle of our chaos. Your shoes would be buried in the pile, your lunch box lined up on the counter, your screams and laughter echoing from the backyard for the whole neighborhood to hear.
There are still no words for the heartbreaking love a momma has for her little boy in heaven. But this year there is a hope that we will make it another seven years without you. And we’ll keep doing so until we’re together again.
Seven years closer Josiah. I’ll be there “soon”.
To eternity and back, your Momma
The Gift of Summer Joy
One year ago today, on March 17, 2020, I jolted awake at 1:46am. Something had brought me out of a deep sleep and as consciousness returned, a voice inside declared “You’re pregnant. Go take a test.”
Stunned, I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. “There is absolutely no way I could be pregnant” I argued as I rummaged in the back of the closet for a pregnancy test. I was 99% sure I would not find one but the clear directive of the voice kept me searching. To my surprise, at the back of the cabinet, wrapped in a plastic drug store bag, was indeed a pregnancy test.
Minutes later, holding the test in my hand I watched as one pink line appeared, immediately followed by a bold second.
Pregnant
I forgot to breathe.
Falling to the bathroom floor I began to cry. I wanted to go back to bed, back to the escape of sleep. I was scared of all the changes a pregnancy would bring. We hadn’t planned to have another child. We’d labeled Judah the baby and given away all the baby things. The trauma of the past made me fearful of a pregnancy, entering a hospital, and dealing with doctors. On top of that, the Corona Virus had descended just days prior and the medical world felt even more uncertain. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I took in all that was to come with a pregnancy. Still trembling on the floor, I collected myself and stood, eager to get to the only place I know to settle an overwhelmed soul.
Alone with God.
Grabbing my bible and prayer journal I moved through the darkness to the living room couch.
As I poured out my feelings to him I was overcome with a sense God was beaming over me with delight. His Spirit whispered over my fears;
“This pregnancy is my good gift to you. A gift of blessing and favor. I know the desires of your heart.”
My heart skipped a beat.
Could it be?
Only God knew the very real desire I carried for another daughter. I had shared it with him in my prayer journal labeled “Desires of my Heart.” It is here I write down the things I desire to be fulfilled in my lifetime. One of those desires was to have another daughter. After Judah was born I let go of that dream by recording one last prayer in this journal.
“God, thank you that I was given the chance to birth 4 boys and 1 girl. You know I have always wanted another girl but with Jude as our last child I recognize it was not your plan. I’m surrendering my wish for another daughter and trusting you with the kids you’ve entrusted to me.”
Then I tacked on;
“But if you ever did unexpectedly surprise me with another daughter, I’d be so grateful!”
Could it be God was answering this prayer?
As I began to ponder this, a moment from two weeks prior also came to mind. I had attended a book launch for Beth Moore’s new book Chasing Vines, at my local church. Beth had flown in to discuss the topic of her book but last minute God laid it on her heart to share from 1 Samuel instead. She spoke of the biblical account of Hannah, a barren woman who longed for a child and submitted her desire to God in prayer. At the end of the event Beth herself began to pray. While she was praying I felt compelled to pull my phone from my purse and record her words. When I did, she began to pray for God to hear the prayer of any woman in attendance who desired a baby like Hannah. I smiled with excitement while she prayed because I thought her words were meant for a mutual friend sitting nearby. A friend who had desperately been wanting a child. Now, I wondered if this prayer had included me too?
My prayer for a daughter and Beth’s prayer for a child weren’t the only prayers being prayed. For the past few weeks my 7-year-old daughter Savannah had started praying for a baby sister every night. Her sudden desire for a baby sister seemed to come out of the blue. I tried to let her down easy on this one. That even though she wasn’t going to have a baby sister, God would still hear her prayers. “Perhaps,” I offered “God will bring a great sister-in-law into your life someday.”
Here in the middle of the night things seemed to be quickly adding up. Could it be the prayer in my journal, the prayer Beth prayed, and the nightly prayers of my daughter had something to do with the positive pregnancy test sitting at the bathroom sink?
I stayed awake the rest of the night with the distinct feeling God was excited, tickled, delighted with the gift he was bestowing on me.
Could it be?
A few weeks later I opened my Bible to read through a Bible-in-a-year reading plan. The assignment for the day was the same story of Hannah that Beth Moore had taught on in 1 Samuel. While reading Chapter 2, verse 21 jumped off the page,
“And the Lord was gracious to Hannah; she gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the Lord.”
Could this verse reflect my motherhood too? One son already in the presence of the Lord, three earthly sons and two earthly daughters? Was God telling me this baby was a girl?
At 1:46pm that afternoon I received a call from the OB nurse.
“Your results are in, would you like to know baby’s gender?”
Yes, please.
“You’re having another daughter!”
***
She snuggles close, arms wrapped wide around my chest, her cheek pressed against my heart. I lean near and kiss the soft peach fuzz of her head. She is content, peaceful here. The perfect picture of how God desires us to be with him. To lean into him as our safety and comfort. To rest close enough to hear the beat of his heart. To recognize his voice and the good gifts of his hand. It is here, in his presence, we find the fullness of joy.
My Summer Joy. The gracious gift he didn’t have to give but the one he delighted in giving.
Amen Abba, Thank you
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:11
Happy 6th Birthday Josiah
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
True Justice and Forgiveness
Friends, today I’m posting a short audio clip from a recent talk I gave. I’ve been feeling more compelled to share my story as God continues to restore me.
You can choose HOPE in the midst of injustice!
Irreplaceable
It was September 2015 and my son Jonah Paul, was still brand new. I was walking down the sidewalk towards a friend’s house, pushing the stroller with one hand and grasping my I-phone in the other. With ear buds in my ears, I listened to Dr. David Jeremiah’s sermon series on Job. If you’re not familiar with the book of Job, it tells the story of a man who experienced utter devastation at the loss of all his possessions and children. It caused him to question why God allows bad things to happen. This topic of suffering was dear to my heart as I had just hit the one-year mark since Josiah’s death.
It was on this walk, as Dr. Jeremiah read from Job 42, that I heard the single greatest comfort anyone has offered me regarding Josiah’s death.
At the end of the book of Job, God restored all the material possessions Job lost by double. In verse 12, the accounts of his animals are listed as twice the original number he owned.
But when the number of his children are listed, the restored number is exactly the same as it was before. Ten children had not been doubled to twenty.
“And he also had seven sons and three daughters.” Job 42:13
But why?
Because people have souls.
While his flocks may have perished, his children did not. Their souls lived on. And when we as believers pass from earth to eternity, we live with God forever. The reason Job was restored the same number of children he had originally is because ten more is twice the children. He never truly lost the first ten.
This simple truth captured my heart and brought a deep peace to my soul.
Josiah was not lost to me. I know exactly where he resides until I see him again.
This truth speaks what bereaved parents long to hear:
That our child STILL matters
That our child’s soul LIVES on
That our child is IRREPLACEABLE
Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t declare this truth. Often times in the case of miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss, parents commonly hear well-meaning platitudes such as,
“At least you have two kids already.”
“You can still have another baby.”
“At least it happened early on, before you got too attached.”
And yet if we stopped to think about it, we would never offer a grieving spouse or a child who lost their parent the same comments. Can you imagine?
“At least you’ve had a mom already.”
“You can always get remarried.”
“At least you were young when you lost your dad.”
We don’t say these things because we knowthe relationships we share with our parents or a spouse could never be replaced. We recognize their unique significance to us. But for some reason, we often fail to see babies with the same dignity.
So why do we view babies differently?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself often because the honest truth is, I’veviewed babies differently. At one time I was guilty of thinking the earlier a loss, the easier to deal with. But the truth is, loss of life- is loss of life. Regardless of gestation, regardless of usefulness to society, regardless of stature.
One year ago I gave birth to my littlest son, Judah James. I was reluctant to share my pregnancy with him for a number of reasons but one small reason being I didn’t want to hear the “Oh good, you’re having another boy!” comment I had heard so many times with Jonah’s pregnancy. It was hurtful to me to think that others saw Jonah as a replacement.
It stung that Josiah wasn’t given the chance to become an irreplaceable person to others.
I was painfully aware I could go on to have many more sons and not one of them would be Josiah. I think the answer to why we often don’t view babies the same is because we don’t see or know them as unique, irreplaceable human beings.
And so, it was half way through my pregnancy with Judah, in the fall of 2017, that God spoke profoundly to this hurt I carried.
I was standing at a store counter. While the cashier rang up my purchases a display of birthstone jewelry caught my eye. The cashier noticed my gaze and asked, “What are your children’s birthstones?”
“I‘ve had a ruby, a diamond, a peridot and another peridot.”
“And what will this baby’s birthstone be?” She asked pointing to my belly.
“He’s due in February, so an Amethyst.”
At the mention of the word amethyst God nearly knocked me over with a sudden realization.
My newest son was going to be an amethyst. The birthstone of February. The month of my miscarriage.
I could feel him beaming over me as he spoke directly to my heart,
“Jennifer, I am restoring you double.”
I stood there stunned and overwhelmed by the lavish love of God.
You see, in 2014, I miscarried a baby boy(Gabriel) in the month of February. In August I gave birth to his twin (Josiah) only to lose him a month later. The following August I gave birth to a boy (Jonah) and now I was about to give birth to another boy (Judah) in February.
In the last four years, God has taken two sons and given two more. Jonah and Judah were never meant to replace the two boys I lost. They are simply, new gifts.
Friends, I am only just beginning to unpack the lessons God has been teaching me about himself.
One day I pray for the opportunity to share this story in full but for now let me tell you what I know to be true about God.
He is good AND he is just.
He promises us that he will restore what we have lost unjustly. (Luke 18:29-30) He also promises that we cannot imagine all the good he has planned for us in eternity. (1 Corin. 2:9) These two truths have anchored me in my faith the past four years. In the pain, in the questions, in the loneliness- he has been steadfast and firm. Don’t let the world confuse your view of God or blur his truths about life.
He loves us.
To him, we have always been irreplaceable.
Love Notes to My Loves 2019
Jesse,
You are my leader and my lover. I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had recently to be reminded of this. It’s a good thing you love the thrill of rollercoasters because we’ve sure been on one. I hate the uncontrollable dips and unexpected twists we’ve experienced but you have been the most loyally committed husband through all of it. Thank you for grabbing my hand and helping me hang on for the ride.
I couldn’t do justice in this note to the love I have for you. But what is so great about us is I don’t have to. We make the most of our time together each day and nothing goes unsaid. If we do one thing right its communication. Thank you for sharing yourself with me and allowing me to do the same. You are the best part of my day.
Jayden,
I literally laughed out loud when you handed me your valentine. 84 pieces?! You epitomize the saying “Go Big or Go Home” more than anyone else I know. You live life large and have a big generosity about you. You are unbelievably self-sufficient and I have no doubt you will be an incredible provider and protector with your larger than life attitude.
Your little brother looks up to you with eyes big and wide. I see so many of your peers doing the same and so I pray tirelessly for you to become the leader God has given you the capability to be. Oh Jayden, the power you will have to move mountains when you serve our God. Great things are left to be done in your life!
Savannah,
What would I do without you? You are my calm presence when your brothers are about to make me lose my mind. You bring a smile to my heart when you place your hand in mine and say, “how about we get out of here and go get pedicures and chocolate.” You get me girl. Our girl time does wonders for my soul. I’m so glad God gave us each other. Each day when you come home from school you recount all the ways you’ve tried to keep peace between friends. You care for others and their relationships and your ability to gauge and empathize with them is exquisite. I’m in awe of you and the gift you have. You love learning and are incredibly brilliant. I’d like to claim these genes are from me but you are already better at math than I’ll ever be. I could not be prouder of you sweet girl.
You encourage my faith even at a young age and I love the way you connect the spiritual to the physical. One of your favorite songs is Rainbow from the My Little Pony Movie. After listening to it one day you said “I think this is a worship song. God’s the only one who can make rainbows out of sad things.” You are my person Savannah. You make this life a beautiful place to be.
Jonah,
You are still my lover boy! You look the most like Daddy but your personality is the most like mine. The way you verbalize your feelings is remarkable for anyone much less a three-year-old. You express yourself in such a real and genuine way it catches people off guard. Tonight when the waiter brought your meal, you thanked him in such a way that made us all burst out laughing. Your rich love makes others feel like a million bucks. It’s my favorite thing about you.
On our way to dinner, we took turns telling each other what we love most about them. You started with me and said, “Mommy I love the way you kiss Daddy!” Then when you ended with Daddy you said, “Daddy I love when you kiss my Mommy!” You have so much love to give and your affection is contagious. My prayer is that you will love Jesus with the same intensity and passion you shower on us. You will be known for your love in this life my son.
Jude,
You littlest one are the cherry on top. The final, deliciously sweet addition to our family. You have the brown eyes I’ve prayed for and look the most like me with a personality the most like your Daddy. You can be so serious one moment(again, your daddy!) and then burst out in the giggliest little belly laugh the next. It’s the cutest how your two tiny bottom teeth glow white against your big red gummy smile. Oh Judah, you have a steadfastness to you already. When the rest of the house breaks out in chaos you just take it all in. You have a quiet strength, natural intelligence, and perhaps most importantly, the position as baby in the family. These three traits will serve you well in life. Happy 1st Valentine’s Day to our Mr. Happy.
Jesus,
I saved you, the best, for last. Yesterday when a friend suggested we squeeze in a coffee date I knew you were sending me a little extra Valentines love. I always say “Coffee dates are my love language.” You showered me in love yesterday and I’m thankful you are giving me the eyes to finally see how deeply known and loved I am. You see me.
Thank you for tangibly sending love my way through the dearest and richest of friendships. I wish I could mention everyone but today you brought me Laura, who has not only helped to keep my life organized when things were falling apart but has been a sister I can practice faith with.
Thank you for a day full of the people I love most and an unexpected dinner in Indiana with my parents. Thank you for a cousin who was willing to give of her time to support us this month. Thank you for daily phone calls with my brother and cousins my kids are crazy to spend time with.
Jesus, Thank you for writing me the ultimate love note with your life. May I do the same for you in return.
Happy Valentine’s Day 2019
Happy Birthday Jesse
It’s this guys birthday today and since he is a words-of-affirmation kind of guy, I wanted to share just a few of the reasons I love him so much.
♥
31 Things I Love About You Jesse T Singer:
- You work hard. Whether it’s at home or at work you give it your all.
- You are active with our kids. From adventure walks to serving as a human jungle gym.
- You are a handy-man. When you team up with You-tube you can do anything!
- You are a decision maker. God knew I needed this in you.
- You are adventurous. From Sky-diving and scuba diving to cleaning out the garbage disposal, nothings scares you.
- You are dependable. You keep your word, show up, and let your yes be a yes and your no be a no.
- You are a provider. You support our family emotionally, financially, and physically.
- You are a saver. The perfect compliment to my spending.
- You have a dimple that makes me weak at the knees. It’s how I know when you are truly happy.
- You are humble. You don’t make excuses, admit your faults, and are always willing to apologize.
- You appreciate me for me. You appreciate my strengths and challenge my weakness.
- You are realistic. Even if you are my dream-killer at least your expectations are real.
- You are attractive. Running my fingers through your thick wavy hair and curling up on those pecs and in those strong arms…yum.
- You are attracted to me and your eyes don’t stray. Which lets be honest, four kids later says a lot about you.
- You are a prayer warrior. You pray about everything and for everyone. You make it a priority.
- You are humble before men and God. You don’t have to be the best, have the most, and you know who is King over your heart.
- You seek the will of God for your life, daily laying down yourself as a sacrifice.
- You are not afraid to cry. It takes courage and strength to share your heart.
- You enjoy quality time together and want to spend your time with us.You are always conscious of your schedule and how it impacts the rest of the family.
- You serve us in the mundane. From trash to bedtime routines you are involved.
- You are my biggest cheerleader. Whatever ideas I have you are willing to support me.
- You help with my Etsy business. You’re my unpaid employee and the reason I am successful.
- You are confident and know who you are.
- Your desire to develop our children’s spiritual lives by praying with them and spending time in God’s word.
- You’re a badass when it comes to working out. Shaun T has nothing on you
- You are tough. You have a thick skin and aren’t afraid to do hard things. Emotionally and physically.
- You call me throughout the day. I love when you check in and let me know you were thinking of me.
- You stand up for what you believe in and are never swayed by popular culture.
- You value life and God’s purpose for each human being.
- You are selfless when it comes to giving of your self and time when someone needs help.
- You have given your life to Christ and accepted his gift of salvation. I love knowing I will never lose you. In life or in death. We will truly be together forever.
***Can someone tell me why these photos appear upside down and all around?? They are correct on my screen but not mobil devices?
On the Palms of my Hand
My Valentine’s Day gift from Jesse arrived this week. It was well worth the wait! Most of you know I love jewelry in general and anything with meaning attached is that much more adored. This necklace I absolutely LOVE! It’s from GracePersonalized and if you know of someone missing a loved one, check this shop out.
I love it because it’s Josiah’s handprint. His little thumb tucked in because thats how he always liked it. Tucked into his fist just like his Nanny.
And his name- meaning God supports, God heals, God’s fire, is etched below in my very own handwriting.
And if that wasn’t enough, he tells me,
“This way you can still hold his hand whenever you want.”
♥
“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” Isaiah 49:16
Thank you Jesse.
Writing Again
Wow it’s been awhile! Blogging during Josiah’s life and then again during the past year without him has been very therapeutic to me. It was a great way for me to process the trauma and do the hard grief work. But more than that, I felt lead by God to write. I think I’ve shared this before but there were many times when I would wake up during the night and write words that I 100% believe God was speaking through me. Maybe the purpose was to bare witness to others or maybe it was simply God’s way of speaking to me personally. Whatever Gods purpose for my writing, I benefited from it immensely.
But it has been a while and the truth is that I’ve been struggling. I’ve let my thoughts and time drift from spending time with God to spending time on life. As life has picked up and two kids turned into three, the time I spent on my relationship with God dwindled. And as a result, I started to crack. I went from centering my life on an eternal perspective to slowly turning inward and living from an earthly one. I’m not saying this is an excuse, but giving birth to my fourth child in five years has taken a toll on me. The sleepless nights and hormone changes from being a new mom definitely made this time in my life difficult. It’s created less time for me to do “grief work.” And that’s the stage of grief I’m in. Life has moved on and I’ve struggled with how to move on too. How I’ll raise three kids while desperately missing the one not present. I think of Josiah just as often as I think of my other kids. That’s the beauty of a mothers love. No matter the distance or separation, her love follows her children. What a beautiful thing.
Sitting here today on the quietness of my couch gives me time to think. Looking back I can clearly distinguish when I first began to crack. It happened unexpectedly this past June as we spent the evening with sweet friends. Their daughter (who is Josiah’s age) took some of her first steps. As we were cheering her on it hit me hard. Josiah should be taking his first steps now too. As we were driving home Jesse looked over at me and asked, “Was that as hard for you as it was me?” I knew exactly what he was talking about and burst into tears. I didn’t stop crying the rest of the weekend.
Up until that night, I had a hard time being around newborns and pregnant women. In fact I hated pregnant women. I hated them even though I was one. Their pregnancy glow was like a slap in the face. I was jealous of their easygoing joy when the stress of my pregnancy was aging me. When it came to seeing newborns I felt a deep sadness. I couldn’t stand to hear a coo or a cry. See a stretch or a yawn. It broke my heart every time. Which was unfortunate because just about every friend I have, gave birth to a baby in 2014. I was surrounded by newborns.
But on that day, as I watched this little girl take her first steps everything changed. No longer did newborns break me. Now one-year-olds did. As I’ve witnessed little friend’s first birthdays, first steps, waving bye-bye, new words, and interacting with siblings; my heart has broken time and time again. I’ve realized every year will be a new stage. I will constantly watch these children grow and my heart will break for the 1 year old, 2 year old, 16 year old, that will not be with me. I started to mourn the future Josiah, not just the three week old that left me behind. And that was overwhelming to me. An entire lifetime of missed milestones, smiles, joy, and laughter were gone. The weight of death’s permanence set in.
The birth of our sweet Jonah (who we affectionately call Jonah-Pie) ushered in a new joy. He healed a tiny piece of our hearts in a way nothing else could have. Even though life suddenly became busier and our mini van fuller, Josiah’s presence was missed even more. For a while I would cry every time I climbed in the van. The emptiness of Josiah’s seat would scream at me in the rearview. It would cause me flashbacks to leaving the hospital. I remembered how I felt walking up to the car as the sun was shinning and a man mowed the lawn across the street. The way the cool crisp breeze felt across my face as I looked in the car window to see his car seat sitting in the back. Empty. Having flashbacks in situations like this made me feel different. Normal people could get in their car and drive without noticing the emptiness of a seat. I felt alone.
Soon after Jonah’s birth came a day that completely broke me apart.
Josiah’s 1st Birthday
That day something in me snapped. A deeper heartbreak of missing my son grow up hit me hard. It broke me in a different way than anything I’d experienced the past year. I still can’t put into words the pain of missing him; especially on his birthday. We went out to dinner to celebrate that day and as I listened to waiters signing Happy Birthday to other kids, a sense of injustice started to grow. Josiah’s happy birthday’s were taken from him and we were left to suffer without him.
August 24, 2015 ushered a darkness into my life. Not a depressed darkness but a season of spiritual attacks. The past several months the devil has tried his hardest to make Jesse and I feel alone and abandoned, unloved and disappointed, overwhelmed and bitter. Prayers were going unanswered and disappointments in life and in relationships brought us further grief. I started to retreat and isolate myself. I just felt different and began to develop some level of social anxiety. The past year I’ve struggled in situations where there was small talk. It was actually painful to be in these situations and to some extent still is. I just hated smiling and talking about things I felt were meaningless. We had been through so much and it was difficult to process it all. Josiah was on my mind all day and when others stopped mentioning him I just felt alone. The rest of the world was enjoying their lives but I was still aching. I felt no one understood. I was trying to figure out how to joyfully live when part of me had died.
As my grip on eternity started to slip, I began to dwell on the more negative aspects of Josiah’s life. The trauma he experienced during birth and the horrific suffering it caused him. I started having flashbacks. They mostly came at night. I would wake up and instantly memories of Josiah would come flooding out. Usually, the most traumatic ones. The ones I question. The ones where I felt helpless. The ones I wish I could’ve done something to change everything. I’d lay awake in bed reliving and before I knew it Jesse’s alarm would go off and the day would begin.
I couldn’t think straight. The exhaustion and the trauma of reliving memories was getting to me. Any new mom knows how disorienting the lack of sleep can be. But combine that with the grief and the every day stress of parenting our extremely strong willed child and it makes sense why I was cracking.
I’m still struggling with this whole exhaustion and completely loosing my mind issue. But I’ve been praying and I’ve asked some of you to pray specifically for the PTSD flashbacks at night to stop. And for the most part they have now. So thank you.
I’m so grateful that when grief and suffering cracked me wide open it created space for God to seep in. I’ve been blessed with a husband who doesn’t try to fill the brokenness in me but instead points me to the only one who can make me whole again. He’s always the first to encourage me to “get with God.” I’m back to listening to sermons and playing worship music as a backdrop to the day. I’ve been allowing myself time to pause and reflect and journal instead of having to get everything done. And as soon as I started opening myself to Him he swooped right in to fill me. Jesus is in my suffering. He’s been here all along. He brings healing and hope again and again. Sometimes he does so by the way of friends. On some of my worst days a friend will show up unexpectedly and tangibly love on me. It makes me teary just thinking about God loving on me in that way.
I’ve struggled with not wanting to write publicly again. Humbling myself and sharing how hard this year has been is difficult. But I’ve been getting the nudge from God it’s time to share. By writing I not only see God’s grace in my life but I am able to record it for my children. We are all imperfect people and if there is one thing I want my kids to know it’s that I’m not perfect and I don’t know everything. But I trust the One whose perfect in all ways and knows the exact number of my days. Only He can truly transform me and bring purpose to my suffering.
♥
Dear Jayden, Savannah, and Jonah,
The death of your brother has left me broken. But you know that better than anyone. Maybe instead of hiding all my brokenness from you I need to share it with you. Someday I hope the story of Josiah’s life and the imprint it left on our family will soften your heart to the God who created you. I hope that in sharing my imperfection with you, you will see life doesn’t need to be good and perfect for it to be joyful and full of purpose. Life is going to be hard. The unfortunate truth is that someday you too will experience heartache. This makes me sad for you but I know God chooses those times in our life to draw us close. I pray when the day comes for you, you will be willing to be fully broken at his feet. I pray God would pursue your heart and overwhelm you with his love. I hope I can continue to encourage you to turn to him when life gets tough. He is always with you.
“For the LORD will not abandon His people, Nor will He forsake His inheritance.” Psalm 94:14
God Loves you and so do I.
Forever, Mommy
October 2015
One Year Ago
Oh Josiah, How has it been one year since I looked into your denim blue eyes?
Felt my heart rip right in two when you left me behind
I remember frantically trying to kiss your cheeks again and again so you would know just how much I love you
Holding on to your grip to feel the squeeze of your fingers
Nuzzling my nose into the softness of your hair to memorize your smell
Taking in the details of you
Singing your lullaby to you over and over
Its been one whole year since we said goodbye.
We may have only had 23 days, but it was a lifetime. Your lifetime.
Josiah Paul, we are 365 days closer…
I’m still coming. Wait for me.
♥
I asked you Lord, You answered
A little one you gave.
The hardest part I never knew
was the little one you’d take.
But Lord I trust you now
I know that you are good
And Jesus I was wondering if you would…
Hug him once for me
Hold him up real close
Let him sit upon your knee
And tell him all the things we’d teach him about you
Whisper in his ear one more simple truth
Tell him that you love him
and that we love him too.
Hug Him Once for Me by Erica McClure