They crucified him there, along with the criminals- one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23:33-34
I’ve often wondered how Jesus could hang on the cross and ask God to forgive those (of us) who put him there. He was humiliated, mocked, beaten and tortured by these men and yet he was interceding to God on their behalf! I can’t read this passage without shaking my head in bewilderment. He did the seemly impossible. He chose to endure the path of suffering marked out for him and he put his human desire for justice on hold. Even more so he forgave his enemies and prayed for them. I mean, that’s outrageous right?
That’s what I thought, until recently when God asked me to do the same.
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What most of you do not know is that for the past 4.5 years we have pursued a wrongful death lawsuit on behalf of Josiah. His suffering and death, was due to negligence by hospital staff and a doctor the night he was born. For several reasons we haven’t been able to share it with you and now that it is over, we’re still trying to process all that has happened. The past 4.5 years have weighed heavy on us but we know God desires to use even the ugliness of malpractice as part of our story. Quiet honestly though, it’s been lonely not knowing anyone who has been through this experience before. We’ve had to rely on each other a lot but even more so on Jesus.
Jesus was no stranger to the injustice of wrongful death. This is what I’ve found so precious about God- He loved us so much he came to earth and suffered giving us the perfect example of bearing an unfair cross. So even though Jesse and I felt alone, we were able to find comfort in Christ’s suffering and the example he left for us.
The end of our lawsuit came with an unexpected phone call. Our daily prayers for the past 4.5 years had finally been answered. But instead of feeling the relief, closure, or a sense of justice as I had hoped to feel, I was surprised and overwhelmed with feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment.
I was angry that my son was dead and those responsible had little personal repercussion under the justice system.
I was bitter that my life was forever altered but they could go back to normal with their families intact.
I was resentful that even though the outcome was what I wanted, I was still not going to get what my heart wanted most of all- Josiah back.
The end of our lawsuit exposed bitterness I was unaware of. I never expected to feel so angry. For the next few weeks I began to wrestle with God. “How is this considered justice? Don’t you know Josiah was priceless? How can you expect me to move on and forgive people who aren’t even sorry? God I’m mad at you for allowing all of this in the first place. I just want my son back.”
As time went on my anger was fueled by knowing I was not going to get the chance to look those responsible in the eye and tell them everything they had taken from me. I wanted them to feel bad for the pain they caused and I desperately wanted them to apologize for it. Honestly, I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting.
Then one day as I sat with God in his word, He used the red letters in Luke 23 to dispell the rage in my soul.
“Father forgive them.”
This time when I read these words, I saw the eyes of Jesus looking down at me from the cross as he spoke. I was reminded that in his death, Christ offered undeserved forgiveness, mercy, and grace to cover my wrongdoing. Not only did he look at me and offer forgiveness, he also looked at them and offered the same. The people who had hurt me and nearly ruined me, the people I was struggling to forgive- Jesus had already turned to and extended forgiveness. We were all sinners before him in need of grace.
The image of me standing with them before Christ, changed everything. Instead of being consumed in my anger towards them, I became overwhelmed with gratitude for the grace and love Christ had shown me. I knew he was asking me to follow his example and forgive the people who had wronged me, whether they were asking me to or not.
This would require surrendering what I wanted justice and forgiveness to look like and follow in his will for the situation. It would be hard but I was willing to out of love for God and the delight it would bring him. I wasn’t going to forgive those responsible for my suffering because they deserved it but because God desired it. When we love Jesus so much that our desire is him and his delight, he fills our heart with the desires of his. Forgiveness was his desire and he was making it mine too.
There is a humble strength required of us to forgive. It has to be enough for us that God might be the only one who knows what has been done to us. But we can be rest assured that he does know. Proverbs 15:3 tells us “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” He knows the evil done to us and the good work we do in forgiving.
Not only does he know all about it, he promises to pursue justice for us in Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” These verses brought me comfort knowing God promises us heavenly justice. They also offered me freedom from needing to see earthy justice and repentance here and now.
Forgiving others when they are not asking for it is a step of faith and trust in God. It takes commitment and accountability. I knew forgiveness was something Jesse and I needed to do together. So we sat down and discussed what forgiveness would look like and decided an upcoming trip to Mexico was the perfect opportunity. Our plan was to write the names of those we needed to forgive in the sand and let the water wash away their names just as we were choosing to let the blood of Christ wash away their offenses towards us.
In March we boarded a plane to Mexico. While there, we wrote the names of our transgressors one by one in the sand as we declared our forgiveness over them. Some of the names were hard to write down. But I knew that forgiving each name was drawing me deeper into intimacy with Christ. He knew what it took for me to extend grace and it was a moment of surrender we shared together. Suddenly that sandy beach became holy ground.
As we wrote names in the sand and released our desire to even the scales, the waves rushed to carry the names away. Left in their place was smooth clean sand, twinkling in the light of the sun.
Following Christ’s example to forgive has lightened my load and lifted the bitterness that was weighing me down. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus calls all of us who are weary and burdened to come and find rest in him. He invites us to take on his yoke (living in this world as he did) and our burdens will become light.
Following in his footsteps unburdens us and delights God. But he actually calls us to do even more than forgive. He instructs us to “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44). Out of obedience to God and the desire to soften my heart, I spent the months of Lent praying over the names I’d written in the sand. I prayed they would fall in love with God and grow a radical faith. That he would stir their hearts to repentance and one day they would get the chance to offer Josiah an apology in eternity.
Just because I have prayed and forgiven, doesn’t mean I have forgotten all that has happened. I will still be tempted with negative feelings towards those I forgave. But when I do, I can look back and remember, “On March 8th 2019, I chose to let it go.”
Dear friends, I pray this for you too.
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Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, We wait for you; Your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; In the morning my spirit longs for you. When your judgments come upon the earth, The people of the world learn righteousness. Isaiah 26:8-9