Some days are hard. Some days are really hard. And then some days are devastatingly hard. When I wake up I never know what day it is going to be. Josiah has been gone 7 months and the days without him are never ending hard. Many ask how we are doing and the answer is always the same.
“Okay. {shrug shoulders} It’s still hard.”
I feel like people are waiting for us to say, “Good, things are starting to get better.” Or “Things are getting easier.” But that is not coming. At least not for many years.
There is something you should know about Child Loss. It’s hard work. Never ending, never ceasing work. Child loss is loosing a piece of yourself forever. Like loosing your vision. The old you is forever altered and now you must learn how to live and move in spite of your loss. In spite of the darkness. It’s a permanent disability that never goes away. It’s hard work because there is no break, no time out. It never ends.
Every child loss parent has done the impossible. One of the most excruciating moments for me was handing Josiah’s cold little body back over to a nurse. Knowing it would be the last time I would feel the weight of him in my arms. There are no words for this pain. Every child loss parent has experienced it in some way. Physically letting the most precious thing in their life go. It takes courage and strength and that is why any parent struggling through the loss of their child are some of the strongest people you will ever know.
Look at your child. Can you imagine saying good-bye and walking away from them? Turning away permanently? Knowing you will never kiss that cheek, stroke that head, or hold that hand? I know you can’t imagine it. And I don’t expect you to be able to. But what I ask you is to remain forever empathetic to those who have lost a child. It never leaves them. Never. And its hard work. Seriously hard.
I am so thankful for the eternal perspective God has given Jesse and I. I am so thankful that the peace I feel is a gift from him. I think He has graciously guided us through the grief journey and protected us from many negative feelings thus far. Each day is so very hard but each day he gets us through. We are able to laugh and love and walk through moments of joy. It’s amazing what He can do. But even though we are smiling and partaking in the every day we are not the same. Deep inside we are not better. We are still broken. We are still working so very hard to live.
I want you to know that. That even though God is so very good. Even though we feel so very loved and valued by Him, life is still hard.
Every day is hard because every day Josiah is missing. He is not here. And as long as we are apart life will be hard. It doesn’t mean we aren’t “grieving well.” It’s just the way it is. Life goes on and yet it doesn’t.
Some days are just hard.
Josiah!