When we walked out of the church on that rainy September afternoon and saw the rainbow, we knew God had good things planned for us. Through tears Jesse and I thanked Him for reminding us he had a purpose for our pain. When all we could see was the rain, God reminded us rainbows of hope are always around the corner.
Just as God placed a rainbow in the sky before Noah to declare never again will the world be destroyed by a great flood, He is reminding us we will not be destroyed by the storms in our lives. I know full well I am not exempt from loosing another child at any age. It’s not that I have paid my dues and now God will keep me from that experience again. Instead I know that every moment with every child is on borrowed time. No matter what comes our way in the future, if we walk with him in obedience as Noah did, we will not be destroyed. And that’s a promise.
The infant loss community has given a name to a baby after loss. A Rainbow Baby.
“A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravage of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean that the storm never happened or that the family is still not dealing with the aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of darkness and clouds.”
On December 15, 2014 Jesse and I starred at a small screen displaying the word “pregnant.” Never has one word been so complex and so full of emotion.
We are expecting again.
We hadn’t planned to be pregnant by Christmas. We didn’t know if we would be ready to be pregnant again for a long time. But God had this planned long ago. God had planned this little person for his glory. And he is choosing to bless us with this life.
This pregnancy has been a little Deja Vu. We spent New Years Eve the same way the past two years. Sick with nausea and exhaustion on the couch. I will be pregnant for nearly two years straight. In the year 2014, I carried three different little people in my womb. Wow.
I am due three days after Josiah’s first birthday. We are just about half way through this pregnancy and as we get closer and closer I can feel the anxiety stirring.
We have held this great gift close to our hearts. Not because we liked the idea of keeping it a secret but because we have been guarding our hearts. The thing about pregnancy is you can’t keep it a secret forever. While we are incredible thankful, we cannot enjoy the ride of a blissful pregnancy. We know pain and we know loss. I cannot utter the word pregnant without shaking. This has been hands down the most difficult thing I have ever done other than saying Good-bye to a child. I had heard it would be hard but I had no idea just how hard. I had imagined a sense of joy and something to look forward to that would ease the pain of grief. And while I do feel joy, this pregnancy has served as a much more real and intense reminder of all that was lost. Simply, we miss Josiah even more. This child in no way replaces him. But this child is a whole new blessing.
Thank you for sharing our rainbow joy with us. For those of you who are walking in our grief along side us, thank you for still being there. Pray for us. All we want is to bring this one home. ♥
{We have had an ultrasound at each appointment so we have seen this little one a lot and feel like we are already getting to know their personality! Also, just one baby. No twins this time around. I’ll share more photos and the gender reveal in the next few weeks.}
Josiah!