Today is the 10-year anniversary of our engagement. Ten years ago we climbed into a gondola in Venice, he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, and I said I yes.
We were head over heels in love and looked forward to an entire lifetime of dreams coming true. We never imagined where life would take us in ten short years.
But God knew.
I recently came across an old journal from college in which I wrote characteristics I wanted in a husband. As I read through them, something stood out to me. I was surprised to see that many of the characteristics I wanted, were the exact characteristics God knew I would need in a spouse as we journeyed through the loss of our child. He placed those desires in my heart long ago for a journey he knew I would embark on in the future. Not only did he give me those desires but he brought me a man who embodied them.
Wow.
As I began to reflect on our dating days, I started to see ways God had been in the details and was drawing us together with purpose. He created two very different people when he made Jesse and I but brought us together to strengthen us. He crossed our paths on a random blind date and two years later united us as one. He softened our hearts to one another and aligned our strengths and weakness. I don’t know why I’m always so surprised when God shows me he has been here all along, but it gets me every single time.
♥
Jesse,
When you asked me 10 years ago if I’d do this life with you, I cried yes! The promise of a sparkling diamond on my finger, the warm Venetian sun that dried our tears, and the new anticipation of spending a life-time with you, are some of the memories I go back to when life gets tough. We never could’ve imagined where 10 years would bring us. Yet God knew all along, and from the beginning he has been writing us a love story far better than we could have known.
Do you remember the moment I fell in love with you? I know you do. We sat on my couch after church lost in conversation and didn’t move until the room was lit only by the moonlight. You asked me, “What do you want me to do if I see you cry? Just hold you tight?” I remember being taken back by that question, by the innocence and the heart of it. If only I had known how often I would need your arms to hold me tight in the years to come…
Fast-forward a few months and there we sat in the wake of the movie, The Notebook. With tears in your eyes you said, “I want to love you like Noah loved Allie. With a selfless unconditional love.” I pictured us old and knew you would keep your word. You would love me like that. You wouldn’t be afraid to love me in sickness or death. If only we had known death would take a piece of us so soon…
When we were planning our wedding you wanted the song “Walking Her Home” by Mark Shultz played at the ceremony. I couldn’t listen to it without sobbing so we nixed it immediately but just knowing how much those lyrics meant to you melted my heart and I was so thankful to be yours. If only I would’ve known the strength you would offer me as we walked Josiah home first…
God touched my heart in these dating moments. My mom always told me when I met the right one I would “just know.” And she was right. When I met you, I knew God had brought us together for a purpose. That our unity was something bigger than us. I just knew.
I wish marriage had always been as sweet as our dating years. Those first few years weren’t as easy as we expected. We got lost trying to figure out what to do with ourselves when the opposites that attracted us suddenly seemed to be dividing us. When we were frustrated with unmet expectations. When we were trying to merge two lives into one. We learned all too often the hard way and yet it grew us.
Looking back on recent years I can honestly say, You Jesse, have loved me well. You aren’t perfect. (which I am usually far too quick to point out to you) But you have provided the safest shelter for me to weather the storm of child loss. When I look back at all the trauma, the emotion, the stress of the past 22 months, I am astonished that we are still standing, hand in hand, as survivors. I can attribute it only to God. He melted my heart for you all those years ago. Brought us together in unity because he knew we needed each other. Because of his great grace we have learned to offer grace towards each other in return. I think that has been the key to our survival- grace, upon grace, upon grace.
Marriage in the wake of loss is not always pretty. Serving and forgiving in the midst of pain is difficult. But look at us babe, we’re closer than we ever could’ve imagined. I’m thankful that God chose you to love me well.
Thank you Jesse for walking along side me as we both journey this long road home. They say the longest journey a parent will ever take is the one where their child has “run” ahead of them. I’m so glad I don’t have to walk alone.
Thank you for keeping your word to stick with me through better or worse. Thank you for loving me, providing me strength, and most importantly- always reminding me this is not the end.
I love you!
In honor of today, and our anniversary tomorrow, I put together a little blast of our past. Go on and enjoy… 😉