After writing the previous anniversary letter to Jesse I felt God asking me to share it here. I was slightly nervous to do so but your messages following my last post were such confirmation that He wanted me to do that. So thank you.
I think what is more appealing than a mushy romantic love story is a real, fought for, love story. And lets be honest, marriage is real and its work. While there are days full of intimacy and romance, there are also days full of crossed arms and raised voices. If you’ve been married more than a day, I know you can relate.
When Jesse and I first started dating, the idea that love is a choice laid heavy on my heart. I decided I didn’t want Jesse to say “I love you” until he proposed. I’d heard it too many times before and the next time I heard it, I wanted it to be when he was ready to choose it every day for the rest of our lives.
Fast-forward to marriage in the midst of child loss and the conscious choice to love your spouse becomes crucial. One thing we were warned of often was that many couples don’t survive the loss of a child. The statistics on this are staggering. I can see why! It’s difficult to choose service and sacrifice for your spouse over your own needs. The agony of child loss is personal, unnatural, all consuming, and never ending. It’s almost impossible to see through your own pain much less deal with someone else’s.
That’s why I’m sharing this today. I want you to know, if you’re marriage has been through child loss (or struggle of any kind), you don’t have to be a statistic! The death of your child will change you so suddenly and so completely. It makes you want to turn into yourself and be consumed by your grief. But with God’s help, you can love your spouse well through their grief. If God brought you together in the unity of marriage he meant for you to fight through grief together. If you ask him, he will show you how. You can do this. Your marriage doesn’t have the potential to simply survive- it has the potential to thrive!
I am by no means an expert on marriage but I have spent time reflecting on a few things that has kept our marriage from being a statistic. Other than the pure grace of God, we have recognized the following things as beneficial to us during this time:
- Recognize God as the comforter and healer of your heart- not your spouse.
The agony of loosing Josiah was so deep, Jesse and I were quick to recognize the only one who could bring peace to our hearts was God. No matter how badly we wanted to “fix” each other’s pain, we were not the ones to do it. With that knowledge we both turned to God for comfort. We spent significant time alone with Him. It wasn’t the easiest thing to do. I remember feeling like I had no words to pray so I would simply say, “God, well… you know.” There were days where I didn’t have the energy to read the Bible. That’s when Jesse gave me an app to listen to the Bible so I wouldn’t have to read it. He facilitated me in my relationship with God and encouraged me to spend time with Him. I can’t even count the times he would say, “I love you and I’m here to talk right now but when we’re done you need to go and spend time with God.” When we reconnected at night, we eagerly shared what God had taught us, or ways he was meeting our needs, or comforting us. Sharing the intimacies we were experiencing with God, deepened the intimacy we had with each other.
Recognizing that God was ultimately the only one who could heal our pain, took the pressure off us to do that for each other. I didn’t have unrealistic expectations that Jesse should “make me feel better” because I knew he didn’t have the ability to reach into the pits of grief like God could. Therefore, I didn’t have unmet expectations of how he should make me feel and resentment never grew. When we hurt so deeply, we long for someone to take the pain away. And while your spouse should love and serve you, only God can fill you with an unconditional peace and comfort.
- Communicate
When I met Jesse, he had absolutely no clue how to relate to a feminine heart. I learned very quickly I needed to tell him exactly what I needed from him or he would never know. On the flip side, Jesse isn’t afraid of his feelings and sharing himself. Communicating our feelings was something we learned to do well together. We learned to be open, honest, and vulnerable. By not expecting the other to know the intricacies of our own thoughts and emotions, we were able to squelch any chance of resentment to grow through unmet expectations. (If I had a penny for every time Jesse said “Just tell me, I can’t read your mind!”)
Jesse and I still spend hours talking each day. While the amount of commute time it takes for Jesse to get to work feels like the farthest thing from a blessing, it does carve out time for us to communicate during the day. He always makes himself available to me. Sometimes he calls just to check in, or sometimes because one of us is having a hard day and we need to pray together. We talk serious and deep and we talk light hearted and mundane. This has been critical to my healing and having Jesse there to listen, encourage, and share with me has made all the difference.
- Recognize how you grieve differently
Communicating often was critical to our survival because it quickly became clear we grieve very differently. The loss of Josiah felt so unfair to me. I deserved him! It was my body that battled nausea, endured childbirth, and produced milk. I did all that. My desire to mother him was so strong that my arms literally ached to hold him when I no longer could. The very thing God made me to do was taken from me and in that I lost part of myself. I struggled through the unbearable yearning my heart felt for my son. I needed time to sit and cry and to talk to through my feelings. I needed Jesse to recognize and support me in this. He didn’t see me as weak or overly emotional. He saw me as a mom who loved her child and was grieving in the way God wired her.
Jesse on the other hand, felt numb. He was able to box his emotion when he needed to. While I found myself crying through out the day and Jesse would (for the most part) save it up and cry alone on his commute to work. That was when he processed everything. If he hadn‘t told me how he sobbed every morning for nearly a year I wouldn’t have known. I was so grateful he shared this with me because it reminded me his heart was still shattered too, he just grieved differently and more privately.
The loss of a child is so devastating you often don’t know what to do with it. That’s why it’s so important to place realistic expectations on your spouse and their grieving process. Recognize your differences and do your best to support your spouse in them. It didn’t bother me that Jesse didn’t cry as openly as I did because he communicated to me that he desperately grieved Josiah every day. I accepted that we were grieving in our own way.
- Be Quick to Forgive and Quick to Apologize
I’ve said some reeeeally ugly stuff to Jesse in the midst of my grief. I’ve had to learn the hard way to walk away before I say more things I’ll have to apologize for later. I’ve also had to learn to offer forgiveness quicker and not dwell on hurt feelings. There’s no space in grief for bitterness. I can’t handle the added stress of fighting. I need Jesse to be my teammate. Because of this, we’ve done well to offer grace instead of resentment or retaliation. Grace is an undeserved gift we’ve learned to offer each other because we recognize we are both sinners in need of grace ourselves. I mess up and so does Jesse. We’ve learned to be quick to humble ourselves and apologize when needed.
On a side note, someone recently introduced me to this great little book by Gary Chapman and Jennifer Thomas. You can go here and take a little quiz to find out how you prefer to give and receive apologies. If you’ve read the 5 Love Languages, than you’ll enjoy these 5 Languages of Apology. It’s a great tool for couples!
Grief is like a refining fire that strips away pettiness and leaves you with the clarity of what matters most. At least, it has the potential to do so. Because child loss is so consuming, it leaves little space to endure other stresses. That’s why it is so important to let go of the little things that can pop up in a marriage. Learn to ignore the sink full of dishes, the laundry on the floor, and the snarky tone your spouse just used on you. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let it go.
- Surround yourself with people who will encourage your marriage
Recognize the gift that your marriage is. Only the two of you know each other in a way no one else ever will. Recognize the significance of that and don’t throw it away in your pain. Marriage can be a place of safety and rest. A place to collapse. There is no other relationship like it and God created it for you. If you’re struggling, look for a support system that will encourage you. Be brave enough to share your struggle and ask for prayer. In the same way, stay away from those who try to divide you. You need each other during this time and if others are negatively affecting your attitude towards your spouse, distance yourself.
If you know a marriage that is struggling, for whatever reason, please take the time to encourage them. As Christians who acknowledge the sacredness of marriage, we don’t do a great job of encouraging one another on in that unity. I had one friend who had been through child loss herself. The first thing she said to me when Josiah died was, “I’ve been praying for your marriage and I’m going to continue to do so. I know what a hard time it can be on you guys.” I’m so thankful for her prayers and felt strength just knowing she had our back.
♥
In the midst of our grief, God intricately wove himself into our hearts and our marriage. We invited him in and he strengthened us. We depended on each other and even though our hearts were broken, we were not broken. God is ready and willing to strengthen your marriage too.
Though one may be overpowered,
two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.
Ecclesiastes 4:12
Marriage on any given day can be difficult. But add in pain and suffering and you can see why that couple you know experiencing loss needs your prayers and encouragement. Will you do that for them? Will you pray over them, with them, and most importantly remind them their union is worth fighting for?
Love is a choice we make again and again, day after day. It’s not always easy but it’s always worth it.