One year ago today, on March 17, 2020, I jolted awake at 1:46am. Something had brought me out of a deep sleep and as consciousness returned, a voice inside declared “You’re pregnant. Go take a test.”
Stunned, I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. “There is absolutely no way I could be pregnant” I argued as I rummaged in the back of the closet for a pregnancy test. I was 99% sure I would not find one but the clear directive of the voice kept me searching. To my surprise, at the back of the cabinet, wrapped in a plastic drug store bag, was indeed a pregnancy test.
Minutes later, holding the test in my hand I watched as one pink line appeared, immediately followed by a bold second.
Pregnant
I forgot to breathe.
Falling to the bathroom floor I began to cry. I wanted to go back to bed, back to the escape of sleep. I was scared of all the changes a pregnancy would bring. We hadn’t planned to have another child. We’d labeled Judah the baby and given away all the baby things. The trauma of the past made me fearful of a pregnancy, entering a hospital, and dealing with doctors. On top of that, the Corona Virus had descended just days prior and the medical world felt even more uncertain. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I took in all that was to come with a pregnancy. Still trembling on the floor, I collected myself and stood, eager to get to the only place I know to settle an overwhelmed soul.
Alone with God.
Grabbing my bible and prayer journal I moved through the darkness to the living room couch.
As I poured out my feelings to him I was overcome with a sense God was beaming over me with delight. His Spirit whispered over my fears;
“This pregnancy is my good gift to you. A gift of blessing and favor. I know the desires of your heart.”
My heart skipped a beat.
Could it be?
Only God knew the very real desire I carried for another daughter. I had shared it with him in my prayer journal labeled “Desires of my Heart.” It is here I write down the things I desire to be fulfilled in my lifetime. One of those desires was to have another daughter. After Judah was born I let go of that dream by recording one last prayer in this journal.
“God, thank you that I was given the chance to birth 4 boys and 1 girl. You know I have always wanted another girl but with Jude as our last child I recognize it was not your plan. I’m surrendering my wish for another daughter and trusting you with the kids you’ve entrusted to me.”
Then I tacked on;
“But if you ever did unexpectedly surprise me with another daughter, I’d be so grateful!”
Could it be God was answering this prayer?
As I began to ponder this, a moment from two weeks prior also came to mind. I had attended a book launch for Beth Moore’s new book Chasing Vines, at my local church. Beth had flown in to discuss the topic of her book but last minute God laid it on her heart to share from 1 Samuel instead. She spoke of the biblical account of Hannah, a barren woman who longed for a child and submitted her desire to God in prayer. At the end of the event Beth herself began to pray. While she was praying I felt compelled to pull my phone from my purse and record her words. When I did, she began to pray for God to hear the prayer of any woman in attendance who desired a baby like Hannah. I smiled with excitement while she prayed because I thought her words were meant for a mutual friend sitting nearby. A friend who had desperately been wanting a child. Now, I wondered if this prayer had included me too?
My prayer for a daughter and Beth’s prayer for a child weren’t the only prayers being prayed. For the past few weeks my 7-year-old daughter Savannah had started praying for a baby sister every night. Her sudden desire for a baby sister seemed to come out of the blue. I tried to let her down easy on this one. That even though she wasn’t going to have a baby sister, God would still hear her prayers. “Perhaps,” I offered “God will bring a great sister-in-law into your life someday.”
Here in the middle of the night things seemed to be quickly adding up. Could it be the prayer in my journal, the prayer Beth prayed, and the nightly prayers of my daughter had something to do with the positive pregnancy test sitting at the bathroom sink?
I stayed awake the rest of the night with the distinct feeling God was excited, tickled, delighted with the gift he was bestowing on me.
Could it be?
A few weeks later I opened my Bible to read through a Bible-in-a-year reading plan. The assignment for the day was the same story of Hannah that Beth Moore had taught on in 1 Samuel. While reading Chapter 2, verse 21 jumped off the page,
“And the Lord was gracious to Hannah; she gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the Lord.”
Could this verse reflect my motherhood too? One son already in the presence of the Lord, three earthly sons and two earthly daughters? Was God telling me this baby was a girl?
At 1:46pm that afternoon I received a call from the OB nurse.
“Your results are in, would you like to know baby’s gender?”
Yes, please.
“You’re having another daughter!”
***
She snuggles close, arms wrapped wide around my chest, her cheek pressed against my heart. I lean near and kiss the soft peach fuzz of her head. She is content, peaceful here. The perfect picture of how God desires us to be with him. To lean into him as our safety and comfort. To rest close enough to hear the beat of his heart. To recognize his voice and the good gifts of his hand. It is here, in his presence, we find the fullness of joy.
My Summer Joy. The gracious gift he didn’t have to give but the one he delighted in giving.
Amen Abba, Thank you
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:11
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