If all goes as planned, we will be meeting our littlest one in one week. One Week.
There are no words to describe how terrifying this feels. It took all the strength I could muster to walk into the hospital this past weekend for a Big Sibling hospital tour. I worked hard to put on a brave face as the kids nervously visited labor and delivery. I tried to be brave but it all came flooding back. I hated being around the other excited parents who thought just because their baby was perfectly healthy they were going to get to keep him and bring him home. I hated being around the nurses who tried to show off the hospital and how great of an experience it would be. I hated that while the nurse was talking dining options I was checking to see if the monitor screen could be turned to the bed so I can monitor it myself during the delivery. The event only lasted 30 minutes but I couldn’t wait to leave. It was emotionally exhausting for all of us.
We are going to a different hospital now with a new doctor who has been a God send to us. But our trust has forever been broken and we are scared to death of placing my life and our child’s life in other’s hands. Next to walking my dying son home to heaven, I think delivering and caring for another child is the bravest thing I will ever do. I am so humbled to know that this boy’s life is ultimately in God’s hands. He is God’s creation and I’m simply a vessel used by God to carry him and raise him. Viewing my son this way keeps me thankful that God has chosen me. But the fears are still there. My new doctor assures me she will not let the same mistakes be made. I almost dare to trust her but the fear is so deep in my bones there’s no real assurance. The only real peace I feel is from God. That he is sovereign. That he has planned this child’s birthday from the beginning just as he planned Josiah’s. He has a plan and I must wait and watch it unfold. The wait is terrifying and I desperately need God’s strength.
As I said in my last post, the past few months have been overwhelming for us. So much has been thrown at us recently and yet here we still are. We still feel under attack and nervously wonder what else could happen. But I pray that this baby’s birth is a new season of peace. He is our rainbow baby. A sign from God of good things to come. The storm is still raging for us but a rainbow has appeared. I just hope we get to keep him. ♥
We’ve been slowly preparing the kids and its hard to see them anxious about it. We try to make it exciting and explain how this time in the hospital will be different. But the past still horrifies them too. We scheduled a Big Sibling tour so they could see this was a different hospital and know where Mommy would be. Neither of them wanted to go. Savannah started crying when we went to leave the house and told me, “Mommy I don’t want you to go away for a long time again.” I think the tour helped them though. Savannah especially fell in love with the baby dolls and practicing holding a new baby. She is a natural mom. We call this boy “our” baby. I’m totally willing to share him with her. She’s the one who prayed him into existence and has not stopped since.
Jayden on the other hand was a 5 year old boy. He cared more about the snack room than any other part of the tour. What can I say, he is his father’s son.
Our plan for this next week:
Because I have quick labors and we want a controlled environment with our doctor delivering- And because of the emotional toll and opportunity for things to go wrong the longer the baby is in the womb, our team of doctors have decided its best to deliver this guy at 37 weeks. To play it safe, I’ve agreed to have an amnio done next Thursday to verify the baby’s lungs are developed. If we get the okay and all goes as planned, we will then induce labor August 8. Again, I’m terrified! Scared to death of that long needle being poked into my belly. How does that not hurt like hell? I’ll let you know. But the pain of an amnio could never compare to the pain of Josiah’s unmedicated delivery. And somehow I’m still alive after that. I just never want to experience it again.
I beg you once again, please pray for us! Please pray for the peace of God to surround us and fill us. For wisdom and compassion for all the medical staff at the hospital. For this little boy to be born healthy and full of life so we do not have to endure another NICU stay. Please pray for peace. Please pray us through. We need your prayers!