Josiah,
Daddy walked in the door after work yesterday with flowers and a birthday cake. I immediately collapsed in his arms and he whispered over my shoulder, “I can’t believe we have to do this again.”
I can’t either.
As much as I want to celebrate you today, your birthday feels like a life sentence. Year after year August 24th will pull the Band-Aid off the hole you left in our hearts. Yes, the hardest days of grief have passed but a Momma doesn’t forget her little boy.
Back to School is always a trigger as it ushers in the season of your life. You were born the night before your big brother started school. I had laid out his clothes and packed his Disney Planes backpack. I was with you that morning but I wasn’t home to take his picture or see him get on the bus. I missed his first day of school.
Just like I missed yours, ten days ago.
You could have started Kindergarten this year. On the first day of school Daddy and I drove your siblings to the annual bell ringing ceremony. We watched as the kindergarteners lined up and smiled for pictures. I found myself staring hard at them, as if they could give me a glimpse of who you’d be. When I saw their proud parents snapping pictures, I started to feel sorry for myself. But God stepped in, reminding me of the gift he’d given us the night before.
The night before, we had been at school for Meet Your Teacher night. As Daddy and I stood outside on the playground we talked about you and how fast the past 5 years have gone. That’s when his phone beeped with a weather alert. “A storm is coming through soon,” he warned me. We glanced quizzically up at the bright blue skies. And sure enough, within minutes a quick hard rain came over the school, bringing with it an incredible gift.
A double rainbow .
I haven’t forgotten you Josiah. But even more importantly, God hasn’t either. Your name is engraved on the palms of his hands, Josiah: God’s fire, God supports, God heals.
Although the Band-Aid has once again been ripped off today, God continues to provide us with Band-Aids to make it through another year.
1,825 days closer my son.
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:15,16