Hey buddy. Happy 4th Birthday.
I wish I could see you and tell you that. Tell you all the things we are doing today to celebrate your life. Daddy stayed home from work today. We lay awake last night remembering you. Remembering our moments with you until it hurt too much to breathe. It’s really hard down here for us Josiah. Four years has been but a blink.
Your siblings are sure excited to celebrate you. They baked you a cake last night and can’t wait to go to dinner and get that ice-cream you always made me crave. Their favorite thing is to send you balloons. They asked if they could add little presents to the strings again this year. I reminded them there’s nothing we could give you that you don’t already have tenfold.
I long for you Josiah, like an overwhelming and indescribable ache for you in the depths of my being. You know your Momma has words to describe every feeling but the ache for you leaves me speechless. Feeling this desperate desire to be close to you today makes me wonder if God feels the same for us down here. Perhaps he has the same aching for us. To be with us. To share holy moments with us. To tell us how much he loves us. I can’t believe you are with Him today my son. Wow.
Your Uncle Jonathan asked me recently if I ache for heaven because I’ll be happy to see you or because I’ll live with Jesus. My honest answer is both. You bring the desire to live with Christ deeper as I ache from my depths for you.
And so to honor you, I honor Him.
The moments I don’t get with you now, I give to Him.
The times I sit aching for you, I spend with Him.
What I can’t pour into you, I pour out in offering to Him.
When I can’t turn to you, I turn to Him.
When I can’t know you deeper, I dig deeper to know Him.
I will continue to spend the stolen moments with you, getting to know Him. And in doing this my ache for a day with you gives me hope for an eternity with Him.
Josiah Paul Singer, Your life has eternal significance. The days I spent with you have been woven into my heart. The purpose of your life has been entwined with the purpose of mine. As Ecclesiastes 7:3 says, “Sorrow is better than laughter; for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.”
You my son, have made me better.
I miss you baby.
To eternity and back,
Mommy
Kris Christophel says
Love you all so much!!
Jen Heupel says
Tears well in my eyes as I read your beautiful post. Tears that ache for your mamma heart and tears from the beautiful truths you glean from scripture and live out in our life. Your earthly suffering is an incredible testimony of God’s presence in our pain and how he walks with us in the storms of life. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Anonymous says
I cried through this as I’m sure you did writing it. The love of a mother for her child taken too soon- who can truly know its depths? God knows. And we who strive to journey with you in this loss imagine it and grieve. I am so blessed by your willingness to endeavor to share your experience. You and your family and your little son are loved. I pray for you today. Love Jen DuBos