Josiah,
Happy 7th Birthday!
Seven. I’m not sure how we’ve made it seven years but here we are.
This year feels significant. It was the first August 24th morning I woke without tears. In fact I smiled when I remembered my moments with you! This doesn’t mean today hasn’t had tears or the kind of pain that closes your throat tight. It just means God is restoring more and more of our time without you.
We still miss the heck out of you. I wish more than anything God would give me a quick peek of you right now. I’m anxious to see your smile, to see if your eyes turned brown, and hear the sound of your voice. The distance between us is torture.
If you were here, I’d know so much about you by the age of seven. You’d be smack dab in the middle of our chaos. Your shoes would be buried in the pile, your lunch box lined up on the counter, your screams and laughter echoing from the backyard for the whole neighborhood to hear.
There are still no words for the heartbreaking love a momma has for her little boy in heaven. But this year there is a hope that we will make it another seven years without you. And we’ll keep doing so until we’re together again.
Seven years closer Josiah. I’ll be there “soon”.
To eternity and back, your Momma
The Gift of Summer Joy
One year ago today, on March 17, 2020, I jolted awake at 1:46am. Something had brought me out of a deep sleep and as consciousness returned, a voice inside declared “You’re pregnant. Go take a test.”
Stunned, I stumbled out of bed and into the bathroom. “There is absolutely no way I could be pregnant” I argued as I rummaged in the back of the closet for a pregnancy test. I was 99% sure I would not find one but the clear directive of the voice kept me searching. To my surprise, at the back of the cabinet, wrapped in a plastic drug store bag, was indeed a pregnancy test.
Minutes later, holding the test in my hand I watched as one pink line appeared, immediately followed by a bold second.
Pregnant
I forgot to breathe.
Falling to the bathroom floor I began to cry. I wanted to go back to bed, back to the escape of sleep. I was scared of all the changes a pregnancy would bring. We hadn’t planned to have another child. We’d labeled Judah the baby and given away all the baby things. The trauma of the past made me fearful of a pregnancy, entering a hospital, and dealing with doctors. On top of that, the Corona Virus had descended just days prior and the medical world felt even more uncertain. I was overwhelmed with emotion as I took in all that was to come with a pregnancy. Still trembling on the floor, I collected myself and stood, eager to get to the only place I know to settle an overwhelmed soul.
Alone with God.
Grabbing my bible and prayer journal I moved through the darkness to the living room couch.
As I poured out my feelings to him I was overcome with a sense God was beaming over me with delight. His Spirit whispered over my fears;
“This pregnancy is my good gift to you. A gift of blessing and favor. I know the desires of your heart.”
My heart skipped a beat.
Could it be?
Only God knew the very real desire I carried for another daughter. I had shared it with him in my prayer journal labeled “Desires of my Heart.” It is here I write down the things I desire to be fulfilled in my lifetime. One of those desires was to have another daughter. After Judah was born I let go of that dream by recording one last prayer in this journal.
“God, thank you that I was given the chance to birth 4 boys and 1 girl. You know I have always wanted another girl but with Jude as our last child I recognize it was not your plan. I’m surrendering my wish for another daughter and trusting you with the kids you’ve entrusted to me.”
Then I tacked on;
“But if you ever did unexpectedly surprise me with another daughter, I’d be so grateful!”
Could it be God was answering this prayer?
As I began to ponder this, a moment from two weeks prior also came to mind. I had attended a book launch for Beth Moore’s new book Chasing Vines, at my local church. Beth had flown in to discuss the topic of her book but last minute God laid it on her heart to share from 1 Samuel instead. She spoke of the biblical account of Hannah, a barren woman who longed for a child and submitted her desire to God in prayer. At the end of the event Beth herself began to pray. While she was praying I felt compelled to pull my phone from my purse and record her words. When I did, she began to pray for God to hear the prayer of any woman in attendance who desired a baby like Hannah. I smiled with excitement while she prayed because I thought her words were meant for a mutual friend sitting nearby. A friend who had desperately been wanting a child. Now, I wondered if this prayer had included me too?
My prayer for a daughter and Beth’s prayer for a child weren’t the only prayers being prayed. For the past few weeks my 7-year-old daughter Savannah had started praying for a baby sister every night. Her sudden desire for a baby sister seemed to come out of the blue. I tried to let her down easy on this one. That even though she wasn’t going to have a baby sister, God would still hear her prayers. “Perhaps,” I offered “God will bring a great sister-in-law into your life someday.”
Here in the middle of the night things seemed to be quickly adding up. Could it be the prayer in my journal, the prayer Beth prayed, and the nightly prayers of my daughter had something to do with the positive pregnancy test sitting at the bathroom sink?
I stayed awake the rest of the night with the distinct feeling God was excited, tickled, delighted with the gift he was bestowing on me.
Could it be?
A few weeks later I opened my Bible to read through a Bible-in-a-year reading plan. The assignment for the day was the same story of Hannah that Beth Moore had taught on in 1 Samuel. While reading Chapter 2, verse 21 jumped off the page,
“And the Lord was gracious to Hannah; she gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the Lord.”
Could this verse reflect my motherhood too? One son already in the presence of the Lord, three earthly sons and two earthly daughters? Was God telling me this baby was a girl?
At 1:46pm that afternoon I received a call from the OB nurse.
“Your results are in, would you like to know baby’s gender?”
Yes, please.
“You’re having another daughter!”
***
She snuggles close, arms wrapped wide around my chest, her cheek pressed against my heart. I lean near and kiss the soft peach fuzz of her head. She is content, peaceful here. The perfect picture of how God desires us to be with him. To lean into him as our safety and comfort. To rest close enough to hear the beat of his heart. To recognize his voice and the good gifts of his hand. It is here, in his presence, we find the fullness of joy.
My Summer Joy. The gracious gift he didn’t have to give but the one he delighted in giving.
Amen Abba, Thank you
You make known to me the path of life;
in your presence there is fullness of joy;
at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Psalm 16:11
Happy 6th Birthday Josiah
the Mighty Warrior who saves.
He will take great delight in you;
in his love he will no longer rebuke you,
but will rejoice over you with singing.”
True Justice and Forgiveness
Friends, today I’m posting a short audio clip from a recent talk I gave. I’ve been feeling more compelled to share my story as God continues to restore me.
You can choose HOPE in the midst of injustice!
Happy 5th Birthday Josiah
Josiah,
Daddy walked in the door after work yesterday with flowers and a birthday cake. I immediately collapsed in his arms and he whispered over my shoulder, “I can’t believe we have to do this again.”
I can’t either.
As much as I want to celebrate you today, your birthday feels like a life sentence. Year after year August 24th will pull the Band-Aid off the hole you left in our hearts. Yes, the hardest days of grief have passed but a Momma doesn’t forget her little boy.
Back to School is always a trigger as it ushers in the season of your life. You were born the night before your big brother started school. I had laid out his clothes and packed his Disney Planes backpack. I was with you that morning but I wasn’t home to take his picture or see him get on the bus. I missed his first day of school.
Just like I missed yours, ten days ago.
You could have started Kindergarten this year. On the first day of school Daddy and I drove your siblings to the annual bell ringing ceremony. We watched as the kindergarteners lined up and smiled for pictures. I found myself staring hard at them, as if they could give me a glimpse of who you’d be. When I saw their proud parents snapping pictures, I started to feel sorry for myself. But God stepped in, reminding me of the gift he’d given us the night before.
The night before, we had been at school for Meet Your Teacher night. As Daddy and I stood outside on the playground we talked about you and how fast the past 5 years have gone. That’s when his phone beeped with a weather alert. “A storm is coming through soon,” he warned me. We glanced quizzically up at the bright blue skies. And sure enough, within minutes a quick hard rain came over the school, bringing with it an incredible gift.
A double rainbow .
I haven’t forgotten you Josiah. But even more importantly, God hasn’t either. Your name is engraved on the palms of his hands, Josiah: God’s fire, God supports, God heals.
Although the Band-Aid has once again been ripped off today, God continues to provide us with Band-Aids to make it through another year.
1,825 days closer my son.
“Can a woman forget her nursing child,
that she should have no compassion on the son of her womb?
Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.
Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are continually before me.” Isaiah 49:15,16
Father Forgive Them
They crucified him there, along with the criminals- one on his right, the other on his left. Jesus said, “Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”
Luke 23:33-34
I’ve often wondered how Jesus could hang on the cross and ask God to forgive those (of us) who put him there. He was humiliated, mocked, beaten and tortured by these men and yet he was interceding to God on their behalf! I can’t read this passage without shaking my head in bewilderment. He did the seemly impossible. He chose to endure the path of suffering marked out for him and he put his human desire for justice on hold. Even more so he forgave his enemies and prayed for them. I mean, that’s outrageous right?
That’s what I thought, until recently when God asked me to do the same.
…
What most of you do not know is that for the past 4.5 years we have pursued a wrongful death lawsuit on behalf of Josiah. His suffering and death, was due to negligence by hospital staff and a doctor the night he was born. For several reasons we haven’t been able to share it with you and now that it is over, we’re still trying to process all that has happened. The past 4.5 years have weighed heavy on us but we know God desires to use even the ugliness of malpractice as part of our story. Quiet honestly though, it’s been lonely not knowing anyone who has been through this experience before. We’ve had to rely on each other a lot but even more so on Jesus.
Jesus was no stranger to the injustice of wrongful death. This is what I’ve found so precious about God- He loved us so much he came to earth and suffered giving us the perfect example of bearing an unfair cross. So even though Jesse and I felt alone, we were able to find comfort in Christ’s suffering and the example he left for us.
The end of our lawsuit came with an unexpected phone call. Our daily prayers for the past 4.5 years had finally been answered. But instead of feeling the relief, closure, or a sense of justice as I had hoped to feel, I was surprised and overwhelmed with feelings of anger, bitterness, and resentment.
I was angry that my son was dead and those responsible had little personal repercussion under the justice system.
I was bitter that my life was forever altered but they could go back to normal with their families intact.
I was resentful that even though the outcome was what I wanted, I was still not going to get what my heart wanted most of all- Josiah back.
The end of our lawsuit exposed bitterness I was unaware of. I never expected to feel so angry. For the next few weeks I began to wrestle with God. “How is this considered justice? Don’t you know Josiah was priceless? How can you expect me to move on and forgive people who aren’t even sorry? God I’m mad at you for allowing all of this in the first place. I just want my son back.”
As time went on my anger was fueled by knowing I was not going to get the chance to look those responsible in the eye and tell them everything they had taken from me. I wanted them to feel bad for the pain they caused and I desperately wanted them to apologize for it. Honestly, I wanted them to hurt like I was hurting.
Then one day as I sat with God in his word, He used the red letters in Luke 23 to dispell the rage in my soul.
“Father forgive them.”
This time when I read these words, I saw the eyes of Jesus looking down at me from the cross as he spoke. I was reminded that in his death, Christ offered undeserved forgiveness, mercy, and grace to cover my wrongdoing. Not only did he look at me and offer forgiveness, he also looked at them and offered the same. The people who had hurt me and nearly ruined me, the people I was struggling to forgive- Jesus had already turned to and extended forgiveness. We were all sinners before him in need of grace.
The image of me standing with them before Christ, changed everything. Instead of being consumed in my anger towards them, I became overwhelmed with gratitude for the grace and love Christ had shown me. I knew he was asking me to follow his example and forgive the people who had wronged me, whether they were asking me to or not.
This would require surrendering what I wanted justice and forgiveness to look like and follow in his will for the situation. It would be hard but I was willing to out of love for God and the delight it would bring him. I wasn’t going to forgive those responsible for my suffering because they deserved it but because God desired it. When we love Jesus so much that our desire is him and his delight, he fills our heart with the desires of his. Forgiveness was his desire and he was making it mine too.
There is a humble strength required of us to forgive. It has to be enough for us that God might be the only one who knows what has been done to us. But we can be rest assured that he does know. Proverbs 15:3 tells us “The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.” He knows the evil done to us and the good work we do in forgiving.
Not only does he know all about it, he promises to pursue justice for us in Romans 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.” These verses brought me comfort knowing God promises us heavenly justice. They also offered me freedom from needing to see earthy justice and repentance here and now.
Forgiving others when they are not asking for it is a step of faith and trust in God. It takes commitment and accountability. I knew forgiveness was something Jesse and I needed to do together. So we sat down and discussed what forgiveness would look like and decided an upcoming trip to Mexico was the perfect opportunity. Our plan was to write the names of those we needed to forgive in the sand and let the water wash away their names just as we were choosing to let the blood of Christ wash away their offenses towards us.
In March we boarded a plane to Mexico. While there, we wrote the names of our transgressors one by one in the sand as we declared our forgiveness over them. Some of the names were hard to write down. But I knew that forgiving each name was drawing me deeper into intimacy with Christ. He knew what it took for me to extend grace and it was a moment of surrender we shared together. Suddenly that sandy beach became holy ground.
As we wrote names in the sand and released our desire to even the scales, the waves rushed to carry the names away. Left in their place was smooth clean sand, twinkling in the light of the sun.
Following Christ’s example to forgive has lightened my load and lifted the bitterness that was weighing me down. In Matthew 11:28-30, Jesus calls all of us who are weary and burdened to come and find rest in him. He invites us to take on his yoke (living in this world as he did) and our burdens will become light.
Following in his footsteps unburdens us and delights God. But he actually calls us to do even more than forgive. He instructs us to “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44). Out of obedience to God and the desire to soften my heart, I spent the months of Lent praying over the names I’d written in the sand. I prayed they would fall in love with God and grow a radical faith. That he would stir their hearts to repentance and one day they would get the chance to offer Josiah an apology in eternity.
Just because I have prayed and forgiven, doesn’t mean I have forgotten all that has happened. I will still be tempted with negative feelings towards those I forgave. But when I do, I can look back and remember, “On March 8th 2019, I chose to let it go.”
Dear friends, I pray this for you too.
···
Yes, Lord, walking in the way of your laws, We wait for you; Your name and renown are the desire of our hearts. My soul yearns for you in the night; In the morning my spirit longs for you. When your judgments come upon the earth, The people of the world learn righteousness. Isaiah 26:8-9
Irreplaceable
It was September 2015 and my son Jonah Paul, was still brand new. I was walking down the sidewalk towards a friend’s house, pushing the stroller with one hand and grasping my I-phone in the other. With ear buds in my ears, I listened to Dr. David Jeremiah’s sermon series on Job. If you’re not familiar with the book of Job, it tells the story of a man who experienced utter devastation at the loss of all his possessions and children. It caused him to question why God allows bad things to happen. This topic of suffering was dear to my heart as I had just hit the one-year mark since Josiah’s death.
It was on this walk, as Dr. Jeremiah read from Job 42, that I heard the single greatest comfort anyone has offered me regarding Josiah’s death.
At the end of the book of Job, God restored all the material possessions Job lost by double. In verse 12, the accounts of his animals are listed as twice the original number he owned.
But when the number of his children are listed, the restored number is exactly the same as it was before. Ten children had not been doubled to twenty.
“And he also had seven sons and three daughters.” Job 42:13
But why?
Because people have souls.
While his flocks may have perished, his children did not. Their souls lived on. And when we as believers pass from earth to eternity, we live with God forever. The reason Job was restored the same number of children he had originally is because ten more is twice the children. He never truly lost the first ten.
This simple truth captured my heart and brought a deep peace to my soul.
Josiah was not lost to me. I know exactly where he resides until I see him again.
This truth speaks what bereaved parents long to hear:
That our child STILL matters
That our child’s soul LIVES on
That our child is IRREPLACEABLE
Unfortunately, our culture doesn’t declare this truth. Often times in the case of miscarriage, pregnancy loss, or infant loss, parents commonly hear well-meaning platitudes such as,
“At least you have two kids already.”
“You can still have another baby.”
“At least it happened early on, before you got too attached.”
And yet if we stopped to think about it, we would never offer a grieving spouse or a child who lost their parent the same comments. Can you imagine?
“At least you’ve had a mom already.”
“You can always get remarried.”
“At least you were young when you lost your dad.”
We don’t say these things because we knowthe relationships we share with our parents or a spouse could never be replaced. We recognize their unique significance to us. But for some reason, we often fail to see babies with the same dignity.
So why do we view babies differently?
It’s a question I’ve asked myself often because the honest truth is, I’veviewed babies differently. At one time I was guilty of thinking the earlier a loss, the easier to deal with. But the truth is, loss of life- is loss of life. Regardless of gestation, regardless of usefulness to society, regardless of stature.
One year ago I gave birth to my littlest son, Judah James. I was reluctant to share my pregnancy with him for a number of reasons but one small reason being I didn’t want to hear the “Oh good, you’re having another boy!” comment I had heard so many times with Jonah’s pregnancy. It was hurtful to me to think that others saw Jonah as a replacement.
It stung that Josiah wasn’t given the chance to become an irreplaceable person to others.
I was painfully aware I could go on to have many more sons and not one of them would be Josiah. I think the answer to why we often don’t view babies the same is because we don’t see or know them as unique, irreplaceable human beings.
And so, it was half way through my pregnancy with Judah, in the fall of 2017, that God spoke profoundly to this hurt I carried.
I was standing at a store counter. While the cashier rang up my purchases a display of birthstone jewelry caught my eye. The cashier noticed my gaze and asked, “What are your children’s birthstones?”
“I‘ve had a ruby, a diamond, a peridot and another peridot.”
“And what will this baby’s birthstone be?” She asked pointing to my belly.
“He’s due in February, so an Amethyst.”
At the mention of the word amethyst God nearly knocked me over with a sudden realization.
My newest son was going to be an amethyst. The birthstone of February. The month of my miscarriage.
I could feel him beaming over me as he spoke directly to my heart,
“Jennifer, I am restoring you double.”
I stood there stunned and overwhelmed by the lavish love of God.
You see, in 2014, I miscarried a baby boy(Gabriel) in the month of February. In August I gave birth to his twin (Josiah) only to lose him a month later. The following August I gave birth to a boy (Jonah) and now I was about to give birth to another boy (Judah) in February.
In the last four years, God has taken two sons and given two more. Jonah and Judah were never meant to replace the two boys I lost. They are simply, new gifts.
Friends, I am only just beginning to unpack the lessons God has been teaching me about himself.
One day I pray for the opportunity to share this story in full but for now let me tell you what I know to be true about God.
He is good AND he is just.
He promises us that he will restore what we have lost unjustly. (Luke 18:29-30) He also promises that we cannot imagine all the good he has planned for us in eternity. (1 Corin. 2:9) These two truths have anchored me in my faith the past four years. In the pain, in the questions, in the loneliness- he has been steadfast and firm. Don’t let the world confuse your view of God or blur his truths about life.
He loves us.
To him, we have always been irreplaceable.
Love Notes to My Loves 2019
Jesse,
You are my leader and my lover. I’m so thankful for the time we’ve had recently to be reminded of this. It’s a good thing you love the thrill of rollercoasters because we’ve sure been on one. I hate the uncontrollable dips and unexpected twists we’ve experienced but you have been the most loyally committed husband through all of it. Thank you for grabbing my hand and helping me hang on for the ride.
I couldn’t do justice in this note to the love I have for you. But what is so great about us is I don’t have to. We make the most of our time together each day and nothing goes unsaid. If we do one thing right its communication. Thank you for sharing yourself with me and allowing me to do the same. You are the best part of my day.
Jayden,
I literally laughed out loud when you handed me your valentine. 84 pieces?! You epitomize the saying “Go Big or Go Home” more than anyone else I know. You live life large and have a big generosity about you. You are unbelievably self-sufficient and I have no doubt you will be an incredible provider and protector with your larger than life attitude.
Your little brother looks up to you with eyes big and wide. I see so many of your peers doing the same and so I pray tirelessly for you to become the leader God has given you the capability to be. Oh Jayden, the power you will have to move mountains when you serve our God. Great things are left to be done in your life!
Savannah,
What would I do without you? You are my calm presence when your brothers are about to make me lose my mind. You bring a smile to my heart when you place your hand in mine and say, “how about we get out of here and go get pedicures and chocolate.” You get me girl. Our girl time does wonders for my soul. I’m so glad God gave us each other. Each day when you come home from school you recount all the ways you’ve tried to keep peace between friends. You care for others and their relationships and your ability to gauge and empathize with them is exquisite. I’m in awe of you and the gift you have. You love learning and are incredibly brilliant. I’d like to claim these genes are from me but you are already better at math than I’ll ever be. I could not be prouder of you sweet girl.
You encourage my faith even at a young age and I love the way you connect the spiritual to the physical. One of your favorite songs is Rainbow from the My Little Pony Movie. After listening to it one day you said “I think this is a worship song. God’s the only one who can make rainbows out of sad things.” You are my person Savannah. You make this life a beautiful place to be.
Jonah,
You are still my lover boy! You look the most like Daddy but your personality is the most like mine. The way you verbalize your feelings is remarkable for anyone much less a three-year-old. You express yourself in such a real and genuine way it catches people off guard. Tonight when the waiter brought your meal, you thanked him in such a way that made us all burst out laughing. Your rich love makes others feel like a million bucks. It’s my favorite thing about you.
On our way to dinner, we took turns telling each other what we love most about them. You started with me and said, “Mommy I love the way you kiss Daddy!” Then when you ended with Daddy you said, “Daddy I love when you kiss my Mommy!” You have so much love to give and your affection is contagious. My prayer is that you will love Jesus with the same intensity and passion you shower on us. You will be known for your love in this life my son.
Jude,
You littlest one are the cherry on top. The final, deliciously sweet addition to our family. You have the brown eyes I’ve prayed for and look the most like me with a personality the most like your Daddy. You can be so serious one moment(again, your daddy!) and then burst out in the giggliest little belly laugh the next. It’s the cutest how your two tiny bottom teeth glow white against your big red gummy smile. Oh Judah, you have a steadfastness to you already. When the rest of the house breaks out in chaos you just take it all in. You have a quiet strength, natural intelligence, and perhaps most importantly, the position as baby in the family. These three traits will serve you well in life. Happy 1st Valentine’s Day to our Mr. Happy.
Jesus,
I saved you, the best, for last. Yesterday when a friend suggested we squeeze in a coffee date I knew you were sending me a little extra Valentines love. I always say “Coffee dates are my love language.” You showered me in love yesterday and I’m thankful you are giving me the eyes to finally see how deeply known and loved I am. You see me.
Thank you for tangibly sending love my way through the dearest and richest of friendships. I wish I could mention everyone but today you brought me Laura, who has not only helped to keep my life organized when things were falling apart but has been a sister I can practice faith with.
Thank you for a day full of the people I love most and an unexpected dinner in Indiana with my parents. Thank you for a cousin who was willing to give of her time to support us this month. Thank you for daily phone calls with my brother and cousins my kids are crazy to spend time with.
Jesus, Thank you for writing me the ultimate love note with your life. May I do the same for you in return.
Happy Valentine’s Day 2019
Discerning the Voice of God
If you were asked to share a time when God was clearly speaking to you, would you have a story to tell?
To be honest, several years ago I would’ve struggled with this question. I used to sit in church and listen to pastors say things like, “I was reading this verse and God spoke to me.” It would leave me imagining how neat it would be to hear God’s voice but because it wasn’t my experience I just assumed it was for more “spiritual” people. Consequently when I did think God might be speaking to me, I would second guess his voice and shy away from it altogether.
I didn’t have a confident understanding of the depths my relationship with Jesus could go. I wanted more from God but I didn’t know how to get it. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to appreciate the real, active, living relationship I am in with the great I Am. I hadn’t truly grasped that when I surrendered my life to him and accepted his gift of salvation- His Spirit came to dwell in me. God himself? Dwelling in me?
Yes.
His Spirit in me allows me to discern his will, his heart, and his voice with clarity and confidence. For the past several years I’ve been living a life guided by God in a way I never thought possible. While I knew what I was experiencing to be true, I was longing to hear someone else share biblical wisdom on the topic of God’s voice. And just as God has been orchestrating all the events of my life, I believe he placed a bible study directly into my hands for such a time as this.
I opened the pages of Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shier this summer in preparation for a fall bible study. Within the first few pages God spoke to me so pointedly, so personally that I paused to record all the ways he was aligning and confirming his word to me. These moments with him were incredibly stirring and the highlight of my days. It felt as if this study had been written just for me.
Growing in intimacy with God has transformed my life. Through the deepening of this relationship I’ve begun a journey of learning to discern his voice.
I want this for you too.
I want you, dear friends, to know without a doubt the God of all creation knows you personally. That he cares deeply for you and is right here walking this life with you. He longs for you to experience Him. Loneliness is an epidemic sweeping across our nation but dear believer you are never alone. He cares for you and desires to comfort and guide you.
If you are interested in knowing God in a deeper way and understanding how to live a Spirit led life, then please find yourself a copy of Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shier.
If you are local and looking for a community to discover God with, consider checking out Place for You, a women’s bible study at Wheaton Bible Church. Together we will walk though Priscilla’s study this fall and be encouraged in our own personal relationships with him. I’m praying big things for us this year and I cannot wait to see you there!
Place for You begins September 18/19 and you can register by clicking the photo above.
Happy 4th Birthday Josiah
Hey buddy. Happy 4th Birthday.
I wish I could see you and tell you that. Tell you all the things we are doing today to celebrate your life. Daddy stayed home from work today. We lay awake last night remembering you. Remembering our moments with you until it hurt too much to breathe. It’s really hard down here for us Josiah. Four years has been but a blink.
Your siblings are sure excited to celebrate you. They baked you a cake last night and can’t wait to go to dinner and get that ice-cream you always made me crave. Their favorite thing is to send you balloons. They asked if they could add little presents to the strings again this year. I reminded them there’s nothing we could give you that you don’t already have tenfold.
I long for you Josiah, like an overwhelming and indescribable ache for you in the depths of my being. You know your Momma has words to describe every feeling but the ache for you leaves me speechless. Feeling this desperate desire to be close to you today makes me wonder if God feels the same for us down here. Perhaps he has the same aching for us. To be with us. To share holy moments with us. To tell us how much he loves us. I can’t believe you are with Him today my son. Wow.
Your Uncle Jonathan asked me recently if I ache for heaven because I’ll be happy to see you or because I’ll live with Jesus. My honest answer is both. You bring the desire to live with Christ deeper as I ache from my depths for you.
And so to honor you, I honor Him.
The moments I don’t get with you now, I give to Him.
The times I sit aching for you, I spend with Him.
What I can’t pour into you, I pour out in offering to Him.
When I can’t turn to you, I turn to Him.
When I can’t know you deeper, I dig deeper to know Him.
I will continue to spend the stolen moments with you, getting to know Him. And in doing this my ache for a day with you gives me hope for an eternity with Him.
Josiah Paul Singer, Your life has eternal significance. The days I spent with you have been woven into my heart. The purpose of your life has been entwined with the purpose of mine. As Ecclesiastes 7:3 says, “Sorrow is better than laughter; for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better.”
You my son, have made me better.
I miss you baby.
To eternity and back,
Mommy
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